the tensest summer of my life.
I woke up one monday morning in february to a strange notification—a regular weekly meeting was cancelled for no specific reason. lazybones that I am, I rolled over in bed and took a little extra sleep, thinking nothing of it. however, my second awakening revealed the reason for the meeting's cancellation—there was a sudden message from the ceo in the company-wide slack channel, curtly telling everyone "in fifteen minutes, many of you are going to find out you've been laid off" (paraphrased).
I had no idea what to do. I've never been fired, laid off, or otherwise forcibly put out of a job. I was truly in shock. I had no idea things like this could happen so abruptly. in a company that requires employees to notify management an entire month before quitting...we got fifteen minutes to prepare to be unceremoniously fired—and by no fault of our own.
about fiteen minutes later, I was remotely logged out of slack, then my work google account, and then everything else. I recieved an email in my personal email saying "your position has been eliminated. good luck!". and that was the end of that. I didn't understand why I'd been so unlucky. I still don't fully understand the cruelty done to me and my colleagues.
I'd never understood how punishing this type of business practice really was, and now here it was, staring me right in the face. I don't care if it's normal in corporate america to just fuck over a ton of people for financial gain, it's bullshit.
I was in my third year of working for this software agency as an engineer. apparently, financial mismanagement and idiotic business decisions made by the cretins running the company had resulted in the unemployment of myself and twenty-two other highly skilled engineers and designers. in the blink of an eye, I went from having a well-paid, enjoyable, and stable career to having absolutely no income at all.
I cashed out my savings.
I had 6 months to live.
(indoors, that is.)
objective: get a new job.
I spent my entire first day after being laid off searching and applying for jobs. I felt feelings I hadn't had in almost a decade—real desperation, real fear, and soul-crushing self-doubt. what if I couldn't find another job? how could I become financially stable again? what was happening? I lost track of the amount of times I broke down crying that day. if my wife wasn't there, comforting me the entire time, there's no doubt that I'd have brought about an early end to the day passed out on the floor with an empty bottle of whiskey.
I think my wife is the real reason I didn't completely crumble. she gives me a real reason to actually work hard. I had no idea what the future held, but I felt comfort and confidence in her presence.
I sent out about ten job applications within a few hours of being fired.
becoming mentally strained.
I have an interesting defense mechanism when confronted with a serious, life-changing issue—if I can ignore it, I usually will. I couldn't practically spend all day every day applying for jobs anyway, because no-one reads their job application inbox on friday evening, saturday, or sunday, et cetera.
the issue I was facing outside of my frenzied job hunt was one of extreme overflow. I had no idea what to do with my massive bounty of free time. I finished a piece of software that I'd been working on for a while, I played video games until my eyes wouldn't stay open anymore, I wrote a blog post or two, and I did a million other nameless things.
after a few months of binging youtube, programming just for the sake of not forgetting how to program, and applying to jobs, I was thoroughly saturated with boredom. running out of ways to distract myself, and with the clock ticking slowly down to zero, I started considering what I'd actually do if I couldn't pay rent one day and had to leave.
I don't have family besides my wife and a couple of other blood-of-oath-not-water-of-womb scattered around the country. I don't have any friends nearby. I was getting increasingly worried, but I tried not to reveal the full gravity of the issue to anyone. I still don't know if that was a good idea, or just my ego. maybe it would have been better to cry out for help.
glimmers of hope.
in march, I had my first interview, but I was rejected within three days. my next interview wasn't until may, after which I was rejected in four days. I had been rejected tens of times by june. I was starting to feel incredibly demoralized. I just didn't get it—what was going on? my resume was more impressive than ever before, my portfolio was incredible, and I had some nice projects under my belt! why didn't people want to hire me?
to be honest, even now I don't really know why I had so much trouble. I'm not a level 7 faang engineer with twenty years' experience, but I'm no slouch. I wish I knew exactly what was preventing people from wanting to hire me. maybe I was looking too transgender or something. maybe I seemed too nervous when talking. maybe I seemed too young. maybe every single company I applied to wanted someone with twice the experience. I could speculate all day, and for a while I did. whatever.
fruits of the toil.
in june, I finally had some luck. I interviewed at a real estate software company for the role of software engineer. after a blistering nine full interviews, I had the job. the work is more complicated than anything I've ever had to do, but the pay (well over six figures) is higher than anything I've ever made. I'm safe, for now.
I had only one more month's rent left in my bank account.
here are the statistics:
period: 4 months
applications: 94 positions
interviews: 9
rejected me: 27
ignored me: 65
I rejected: 2
made offer: 1
the success rate? 1.1%. hey, real life is just like black desert online!
if you want to talk to me, my discord username is jpegzilla, and my twitter username is @jpegzilla. see you later. enjoy the music recommendations!
currently listening to:
- I Love You by ニルギリス
- Becoming Insane by Infected Mushroom - long version here
- Beautiful Birthday by RAISE A SUILEN
- Out Here All Night by Damone